I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
