i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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