You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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