You can't special order awesome
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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