i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
