so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
