i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
