Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
