Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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