I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
