Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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