When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
