I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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