there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so let's talk penis.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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