you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sober January is a disaster.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
