my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
