My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize