end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
