God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
