the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
