So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
