after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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