If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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