I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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