2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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