tonight lets celebrate not being married
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
