My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
