she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
