I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
