Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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