i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
