I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize