I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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