I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
