i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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