I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
