Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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