I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The uberlube is also flammable
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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