Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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