Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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