Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Can I color on your dick again?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize