Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
