Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
