Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
