just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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