So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
