Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
