Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
