She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
