i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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