I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
