U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
