feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
