Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
