I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
