Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
