If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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