Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
