I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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