...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
