i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
