if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
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